I survived, but we’re never free.

I survived, but we’re never free.

I sat down, on the floor of a hotel room, whispering: “If you can make it through the night, then tomorrow will bring good things. I believe in you.” That’s how I survived the night I was sexually and physically assaulted.

So let’s get the hard part over with and talk about what happen (names used are not their REAL names):

It was during work retreat. My boss (lets call him ‘Grant’) and I were leaving the party. Grant’s boss (Mark) offered to drive us back to the hotel. Grant and I sat in the back of Mark’s car. Grant was drunk, and I spent half of the day trying to make sure he didn’t look like more of a fool. Grant had index cards in his had. He begin to tear them up and toss them out the window. I asked for the cards and Grant gave them to me. Then, Grant laid down and put his head in my lap. And then, it happen.

Defining Assault:

  1. a :  a threat or attempt to inflict offensive physical contact or bodily harm on a person (as by lifting a fist in a threatening manner) that puts the person in immediate danger of or in apprehension of such harm or contact — compare battery 1bb :  rape 2 – via Merriam-Webster

And when I returned, I started a new job. I’ve been there for about three months now. I don’t miss anything about that place except the friends I made along the way. Till this day, I can’t sleep some nights without waking up in a cold sweat. There’s the nightmares, the feeling of being followed, the feeling of being worthless. Hopelessness. Doubt. I trust no one. I spend many of weekends in my room, staring outside, wondering what the wind feels like. Crying. So many tears. Panic attacks. I hear voices and I know no one’s there. There’s no cure. No remedy. You learn how to live with the scars. Every day brings new life, and some days are good…and some you rather want to forget. But, all I have is me.

And since this day, my social media has never been the same. Instead of progression, I’ve loss my creativity. I know it’s still in me, but no one tells you how to deal (mentally) with being assaulted. It’s different for everyone.

 

I dress up and take selfies when I fear the outside.

I dress up and take selfies when I fear the outside.

I will live with the scars for the rest of my life. I will work, endlessly building my self assurance and regaining my confidence. I’ll struggle with the fear of allowing others in my personal space. I’ve paid a very steep price, and I’m sure Grant and that company sleep well at night. If our legal system and society wouldn’t chastise our victims so much, this situation may have turned out differently. But, I can’t think about it. I have a life to rebuild mentally and financially. There’s no stops along the way to have a mental breakdown and just take a vacation. At lest, not for me. These are my emotions and I’m allowed to feel this way. Not every day will be rainbows and unicorns, but, every day can be a blessing.

2016-07-18 20.55.48

xo

Lovethyself365

 

 

 

 

Behind The 100 is here

When Give It 100 shutdown their site

We’re sad to announce that Giveit100.com will be shutting down on August 31st. We’re moving the Giveit100 movement to…

Posted by Give It 100 on Wednesday, July 29, 2015,

my thought was: “Where will you see my 10 second diary?” I’ve been holding on to the footage for a while and I have many videos that go over 10 seconds. Also, all of my photos and post for that day are lost in the world that is FaceBook.

I had the idea to turn my site into a diary of everything I did from the first 100 days of the give it 100 challenge a few months ago, and with work, health issues and drama keeping me busy, I just kept putting it off. But, it’s long overdue.

Behind The 100 (#BT100) is a collection of videos, pics and postings from my inspirational journey. Not only will it help me to keep everything in one place, this will be the “go-to” for all Q&A about my events during that time. My journey has more to do with weight loss, which I had a chance to share with Greatist in a recent interview.

I’m planning to divide the segment into several parts. Hopefully, I can squeeze everything into something that will make sense (I have a tendency to babble and steer away from my point). But, I will be sharing it all, and it will get ugly before it gets pretty. For, it was never all about weight loss, and many come to my site thinking they are going to get that. I’m not sorry.

Any challenge is all about pushing out of your comfort zone and that’s just what I did.

Love yourself, today, tomorrow and forever.

XO