I survived, but we’re never free.

I survived, but we’re never free.

I sat down, on the floor of a hotel room, whispering: “If you can make it through the night, then tomorrow will bring good things. I believe in you.” That’s how I survived the night I was sexually and physically assaulted.

So let’s get the hard part over with and talk about what happen (names used are not their REAL names):

It was during work retreat. My boss (lets call him ‘Grant’) and I were leaving the party. Grant’s boss (Mark) offered to drive us back to the hotel. Grant and I sat in the back of Mark’s car. Grant was drunk, and I spent half of the day trying to make sure he didn’t look like more of a fool. Grant had index cards in his had. He begin to tear them up and toss them out the window. I asked for the cards and Grant gave them to me. Then, Grant laid down and put his head in my lap. And then, it happen.

Defining Assault:

  1. a :  a threat or attempt to inflict offensive physical contact or bodily harm on a person (as by lifting a fist in a threatening manner) that puts the person in immediate danger of or in apprehension of such harm or contact — compare battery 1bb :  rape 2 – via Merriam-Webster

And when I returned, I started a new job. I’ve been there for about three months now. I don’t miss anything about that place except the friends I made along the way. Till this day, I can’t sleep some nights without waking up in a cold sweat. There’s the nightmares, the feeling of being followed, the feeling of being worthless. Hopelessness. Doubt. I trust no one. I spend many of weekends in my room, staring outside, wondering what the wind feels like. Crying. So many tears. Panic attacks. I hear voices and I know no one’s there. There’s no cure. No remedy. You learn how to live with the scars. Every day brings new life, and some days are good…and some you rather want to forget. But, all I have is me.

And since this day, my social media has never been the same. Instead of progression, I’ve loss my creativity. I know it’s still in me, but no one tells you how to deal (mentally) with being assaulted. It’s different for everyone.

 

I dress up and take selfies when I fear the outside.

I dress up and take selfies when I fear the outside.

I will live with the scars for the rest of my life. I will work, endlessly building my self assurance and regaining my confidence. I’ll struggle with the fear of allowing others in my personal space. I’ve paid a very steep price, and I’m sure Grant and that company sleep well at night. If our legal system and society wouldn’t chastise our victims so much, this situation may have turned out differently. But, I can’t think about it. I have a life to rebuild mentally and financially. There’s no stops along the way to have a mental breakdown and just take a vacation. At lest, not for me. These are my emotions and I’m allowed to feel this way. Not every day will be rainbows and unicorns, but, every day can be a blessing.

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xo

Lovethyself365